First of all, I want to tell you that I love you. I believe in you and I support you. And I will always want the best for you. But I will not drag myself down to lift you up.
I know you have helped me during times when I could not face reality. You helped me to run away from things that I thought would break me. You kept me alive and functioning and for that, I am eternally grateful.
I'm not who I use to be. I've grown. I've changed. And I'm learning that accepting reality, actually dealing with the uncomfortable and painful events, doesn't actually kill me. In a matter of fact, I have found that after going into the great depths of my soul, parts of me that I've shut down and ignored for so long, I actually feel amazing after. I feel stronger. I feel like a weight has lifted that I didn't even know was present but now that it is gone, it is so evident that it was there the entire time.
I know that you have tried to protect me. I know that you think that what is familiar must be safe because that is all you know. I want to tell you that there is so much more out there in the universe and by universe, I mean me. There is so much beauty, so many places, so many people. And most of all there is so much love. Love that I cannot even express in words. I can only feel it.
I want you to know that I judged you. I even hated you at times. I was so angry that I wanted things in my life to change so bad. But I was always so frightened that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve real love or real happiness. I was always afraid that what if I had given it my all and nothing changed? So I stayed still, afraid to move...for so many years.
I'm crying as I write this. I am so sorry for judging you. I am so sorry for using you only when it was convenient for me. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything wrong. I'm sorry for fighting with you when I should have loved you and let you go. I use to think that fighting you or ignoring you was the only way for us to move forward. I wanted to pretend that you didn't exist. I am so sorry for not acknowledging who you are. I now know that the only way to move forward with you is for us to love each other and make peace with each other.
So from now on, I'm going to do my best to lift you and to help you grow. I'm going to teach that you are so strong and that you can face anything that comes to you because that is how amazing you are! And when you face those obstacles and you dig deep for everything that you've got, I will be right by your side. I want to show you how much love there is in the world. And most of all, how much love exists inside of us.
If you are not ready for this journey, I understand and I will love you still. I am sorry but I will not be able to keep you close, not like we were before. I will love you from afar and send you love, light, and healing energy. I will not be held down by you because you are not ready. That is your journey.
And this...is mine.