I would like to say, that doing this does not necessarily make things easier. I've seen those quotes that say when you look at the bigger picture, letting go will have been easier than holding on but at this time I can't agree with that. I assume that after all of this passes through me, I will agree but I have yet to reach that space.
Yes, there is no more chaos. There is no more drama and the constant up down, up down. Instead there is a silence, a waiting. And in that silence my fear is very real, very palpable. A fear that wasn't quite known to me before, at least not in this clothing. Everything use to be so chaotic that my mind was more on auto drive and dealt with elements that were physically in front of me. But when I let go, everything is more calm. Externally, things happen and I embrace that they either bring me down or lift me and then it's on to what can I do next. What power do I have in this situation? How can I respond that reflects love for myself and others? I then act. In between a million of those moments the fear is there, whispering. I feel little messages like;
Here we go again.
You're never going to find someone to love you.
You're not worthy.
You're a failure.
Things will never change.
I don't spend much time on them. They kind of come and go, quietly. If you want to know how much you love yourself, it's in these honest moments that you will know.
It's interesting how we spend so much time focusing all our energy on shit that doesn't matter, on shit that we don't have control over, i.e. other people, other things. I have been in many relationships that mainly prevented me from focusing on dealing with my own growth. Obviously I did grow from them and that's the great thing about relationships, they exist for our growth. But its kind of an indirect growth. You grow through your experiences externally, instead of growing through your experiences internally. I think the first one is more reactive than anything. Where the latter is more active. It's interesting how many vices we have that keep us from acknowledging our real problems. Relationships, careers, politics, food, drugs, even the gym can all be vices. Even things that seem positive can still be a vice if it is something you are going to, in order to not deal with you.
When you surrender there is no chaos to consume your mind. So you're left with a solitude. It exists for growth and in those moments you learn who you truly are. Surrendering means you are telling the universe that you will embrace all that comes to you because you trust the universe. And when I say universe, I am referring to yourself because you attract what you are. So everything that is coming to you, you have attracted it for the growth that you are ready for. Once you love yourself enough, you will trust the process. You will trust the universe. You will trust yourself. You will know that you are much more than anything and everything that is coming to you and you will know that it is coming to push you to the next level of your growth.
So love yourself. And try to lay back and relax. Trust that everything will be brought to you when it is meant to be brought to you because you are the one orchestrating your life. Trust that your spirit knows who, what, and when, it is time. Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe.