It's an interesting period when you are in between letting go of your belief that you are not worthy of love to believing wholeheartedly that you are deserving of an authentic, healthy love. As parts of me still believe in my past and parts of me believe in my future, I am still drawing them both into my life.
Past lovers continue to knock on my door, for what reason I'm not sure. To fill their voids, to know if I am still connected to them, to not feel alone, to feel loved, but probably a mix of all of these. I find myself giving them second chances (with a grain of salt) only to have things fall into place as they previously had...me walking away from an emotionally unavailable boy.
I told my girlfriend the other day, that I don't know if I even want to meet "the one" right now. I feel like there is so much I want to still do and so many people I want to meet. Or maybe it's just that I don't think that I can meet the type of man that I want to help lead me in the environments that I am in now. Now that I think about it, it's definitely the latter. And I'm sure that's part of the reason why I have yet to fall in love.
I did however tell my girlfriend that I would love to have someone in my life who can reciprocate my love. I'd love to have a healthy relationship for once in my life and to grow within it. I miss staying in all day, loving each other, laughing, and learning about one another. I miss having someone to call and vent to. I miss having someone to hold me and say, "everything is going to be o.k., you're amazing, and I love you." I miss having someone take care of me when I'm sick. I miss having someone to go have new experiences with. I miss having someone.
It's been two years since my last relationship. I feel like I've grown so much and I want someone to share that with. But as much as I've grown there still is some part of me that believes I'm not worthy of something healthy and that things will never change for me.
I watched a video of a speech by Jim Carey the other day. He says something like, don't have hope, for it is something like you are begging the universe. He says instead, to believe that it will happen, to know it. In my words, we have to command ourselves and command to the universe what we know to be true. Remember that the universe is a reflection of ourselves.
I keep the focus within.
I AM DESERVING OF A HEALTHY, INSPIRING, AUTHENTIC, LOVE. I AM DESERVING OF A SPIRITUAL KING, AS I AM BECOMING MY SPIRITUAL QUEEN.
Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe!!