There's a quote that goes something like you can't be alone if you enjoy the company you are with.
So I'm sitting here alone, feeling very empty. And all I can keep thinking is that I must not enjoy the company of myself...
The only thing I could think of to do was write. I went on craigslist earlier, pof, searching for men, just to not be alone. I didn't reach out to anyone because I have grown enough to know that dating would be something used to divert myself from my internal to the external. So here I am writing. Thank you in advance for reading.
Why is it so hard to love ourselves? I read something today that said we were not here to create some miraculous version of ourselves, instead we're here to undo all the programming so that we're left with nothing but who we really are. That was a beautiful thought. That we are so amazing just by who we are. We're not amazing because of our accomplishments, our goals, material assets, the pain we've endured, etc. We're incredible just by being ourselves. We're meant to live in our truth and when we do, we are miraculous by our own nature.
So then why can't we just shift our thinking? I know why it's hard to love ourselves. Our brain is on auto drive to keep us in the past and protected in it's own eyes. I know we have to undo all of what we've learned. And even with that knowing it is still such a long journey to shift. But I guess it took years and years of programming, it's not going to dissipate overnight.
I keep reminding myself that I'm exactly where I need to be. That it's the journey that matters, not the destination, and that I'm already there. Actually, I'm already here, exactly where I need to be. In my complete truth I know that my last really big shift that I've been fearful of is fully letting go of my attachments to people, particularly lovers. My attachment to food, my other big vice, is almost fully burned up. So I'm left with the emotionally unavailable boys that I continue to attract. Can you sense my sourness lol? Yes, I'm working on that as well.
But that's shifting as well. If it wasn't I would have contacted someone tonight. Instead I'm here with myself acknowledging parts of me that are screaming to be heard and let go.
So I took a two day break from writing this. During that time I tapped, meditated, wrote in my gratitude list, and realized that my mother is going through a huge shift herself. And a few hours earlier I found out that one of the largest dance agencies reposted my recent work with one of their dancers.
I was down a bit this week and I experienced the pain and I kept telling myself I will pick myself up, something will shift. That is one things I've learned. If you continue to pursue your growth, you will change. Your life will change for the better. It usually gets worse before it gets better, but if you stand firm you will reap the benefits.
This blog was a bit all over the place. A tool for me to vent my grievances this week. I thank you for listening. But as you can see I didn't steer off my path and even if it did the benefits would have just been delayed. I'm happy to say I'm feeling better and I've let go of some things this week. =)
I hope this lifted you, even if only to remind you that you're not alone in what you are going through. Life never gets easier, you get better. Cheers to getting better or more aptly put, cheers to learning to love yourself!!
Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!