For the past few months, the universe has been sending me the same message over and over and I am finally ready to give in and follow the path given to me.
Now don't get me wrong. I create my own future. But you have to remember that the universe is a reflection of me. My external is a mirror of my internal. So when I say the universe I really mean myself. The message that I have been trying to give to myself is that, horns please, I need to be alone.
I have been diligently trying to let go of my vices over the last few months, food, sex, and boys. And it has been so fucking difficult. I assume if I had tried to detach from one thing it would be easier but to do it with my three main ones has left me like a lost child. Did I mention alcohol is out of the equation as well. When you detach from your unhealthy attachments, you are all that remains. You are left alone to deal with your own shit. Just typing that makes me want to grab some chips, organic of course, but I'm not going to. I'm choosing to let go of that thought and stay right here with myself and with you.
It feels weird to type about how difficult this is to do, to let go. Because a part of me is thinking that I'm making my perception of how difficult this is become my reality. If I think it, so it will be. Rewiring is definitely a huge part of the process of letting go. I write affirmations, I journal, I read books, and watch films all on topics such as this. I create an environment around me to encourage my growth. But then I have these moments. Moments where I do or don't even fully recall feeling anything, but next thing I know I'm on craigslist looking at sex ads. That trigger happens so fast because it's been occurring my whole life. The moment something painful in my past gets triggered, there I go on auto drive doing anything to stop whatever emotion I've taught myself that I cannot handle.
I wish I had an answer for all of this, for all of you, for myself. But I don't. I do know that this is a journey and apparently it's my time to travel down this road. I can say this and it is quite hopeful and lifting. When we are able to walk away from these things that keep us busy from facing our truth. When we are able to teach ourselves that emotions are what make life so beautiful and that none of them will make or break us. When we learn that pain feels horrible but on the other side of that is an overwhelming amount of self love. When we are able to look in the mirror and know that we are fully loved unconditionally and supported by ourselves and nothing external can ever change that. On that day everything will change. On that day we will know how truly powerful we are.
Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!