I work hard to keep my heart open. Most of the time, especially in new relationships, I give my love first. I show my vulnerability and encourage theirs. I believe the best way to teach someone is to practice it yourself and to then demonstrate it and hopefully they will participate. But the biggest reason I do this is because as painful as it can be, I don't ever want to close my heart. I choose to live a life full of love.
An open heart is full of both pain and love. I find myself giving love, making myself vulnerable and then the other person runs for a bit. I use to chase after them because abandonment was a trigger for me. Now I let go. That person needs to go on their own journey. If I chase, that person will never discover what he needs to grow in that moment. People need time to receive love, especially if they rarely have it in front of them.
Now don't get me wrong. I've ran too. I've ran from friends, lovers, and family. That is a direct reflection of how much love I am giving myself. So I get it. And that is one of the reasons I can empathize with those that do it when relating to me. But those moments of abandonment are crucial. That is my journey in those moments. That is where my growth will occur.
I have to remember to bring everything back to me. It's easy to get lost in someone or something else. When your love is not reciprocated it is brutal, especially if you are in touch with your feelings. It is crucial that you bring your thoughts back to yourself and away from anything external.
For me I am finding that the most difficult part is separating being hurt from that person not choosing to reciprocate my love given vs. me feeling rejected, unworthy of their love and not good enough. Those are entirely different and yet I combine them to create a lethal injection and it is safe to say I have been a drug user for far too long.
Whenever we are focusing so much on pain and anything external, we have to bring it back to ourselves. We have to focus on ourselves and where we are emotionally, physically, and mentally. We need to give ourselves all the love and light in the universe. We need to take care of ourselves. We need to surround ourselves with energy that reminds us of our worth.
So tonight I took a bath, with olive oil, epsom salt, and lavender. I meditated. I lit my candles. And I remembered how worthy I am of love. I AM LOVE. I remembered how amazing I am. The stars and I are made of the same. I remembered how much love I want to give and receive in this space and time. And it is always, always, abundant.
And I have the perfect ending for you...expect to receive what you deserve. Period.
Cheers to our worth, our love, and our light!
Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!