I normally write a new blog every Monday but since today is Father's day I figured I would write a day early. After recently going on a date with someone new and hearing the all too familiar placement of words, "I barely know my father, " I decided it was imperative that I share my light today. There are different words that I want to share depending on your situation. So here we go.
For those of you who have a non-existent relationship.
This means you know of your father but don't know him and vice versa. This means he knows of you and he chooses not to love you. Or he chooses not to love you the way a father should love his child. This means there must be something wrong with you. This means you are not worthy of love.
I know that shit hurts. I know. Take a moment to take in what that feels like. Once you can allow yourself to feel these feelings instead of pushing them away then you can start releasing that energy instead of keeping it running in your veins in the background only to come out screaming at an unexpected time. So lets try that again. Re-read the painful words above. Take a deep breath and listen to me.
That is one way you can look at it. But as we know life is perspective. So here's another way to look at it. When I'm loving myself fully, and my external life is going great, I feel like I have so much love to give. I'm very aware of my surroundings. I'm able to immediately pickup if someone is down or needs help before they even acknowledge it themselves or ask for help. I'm able to listen to them and give them my energy so that I can lift them. And even though I feel a little depleted I am able to walk away still feeling lifted because of the space that I am in . I'm able to receive the love that others give to me fully because I know I deserve it. I embrace it. And I reciprocate it fully.
Now when I'm feeling low the outcome is completely different. If I sense people needing help I turn the other way. How can I lift someone else when I am feeling so low myself. I know that if I were to give anymore of myself when I have so little to give I will feel like I'm left with nothing. Shit, I just want to sleep in my bed all day and turn the world off. Or better yet turn the pain off. When people try to lift me up I run from them too. I don't feel I deserve to be helped or that I am deserving of love. If I was, why do I feel so fucking shitty anyways? I'd rather keep myself in what my mind tells me is "safe." This means I isolate myself from the world. It also means that with no external energy my mind can construct its own wild world.
So your father chooses not to love you because you are undeserving, because you are not good enough. How about your father chooses not to love you because he doesn't know how to love himself. If he doesn't know how to love himself then how can he love you? Can he magically wake up and know how to? I bet most of you have never had a conversation with your father where you told him what you needed him to do so that you could feel you were getting the love you needed from him. That's honest communication. Why haven't you done it? Because you don't know how to. Because you are scared shitless of his response. Because you haven't learned how to love yourself yet. There are a lot of answers to this question and the same answers can be applied to why your father hasn't loved you the way you need him too. Once you can understand this and really believe it, healing can begin. If you can understand that your father's love or lack thereof has nothing to do with you it takes the weight off of you feeling less than or undeserving. You are deserving of love. You are deserving of the world. But your father has not learned to love himself enough so that he can love you the way you needed him to. That is the truth.
Since you are in a space where you are starting to explore this then maybe in time WHEN YOU ARE READY you can have that conversation with him. Your relationships cannot change until you change. And if you never deal with it you will always feel this sense of unworthiness. You are worthy. You are deserving and are very capable of dealing with this. I hope that if and when you do address it with him he is in a space to be able to embrace your love. But if he is not or if he needs time then remember, it is not a reflection of you or how he feels about you.
For those of you who have lost your father.
Please read my previous blog on how our souls are always connected. I know it's shit to not be able to see someone, to not be able to hug them, or laugh with them, or even see their smile again. To wish you had one more moment to tell them how much you love them and to say your good bye. Again, let that feeling sink in. Embrace it. Only then can you start releasing some of that energy. So take a moment and reminisce, cry, laugh. Now take a deep breath. P.S. this shit only works when you actually do it. So please take a moment to reminisce and remember your loved one who is no longer here with you.
Please remember that we are not humans here on earth. We are spirits in human bodies. Which means we are all connected all of the time in every space. Your loved one is still with you, in spirit. I remember hearing Lorraine Toussaint speak. She is one of those lights you hear and you want to write everything down because she is so utterly poetic and prolific. She discussed her mother many times. Someone in the audience asker her if her mother was still alive. She said no but that ironically enough she was more close to her mother now than she could have ever been in this physical world. I will always remember that and it gives me great comfort. I hope it can lift you too. Remember everything and everyone comes in and out of our lives to foster our growth. Think about that and discover again what that person taught you and how they changed your world. It's so beautiful how one person can affect everything. They weren't taken from you. Their journey was full circle for them and they have moved on to their next journey. Celebrate their journey. Celebrate their life.
Wherever you are at in your life focus on loving yourself. Focus on giving yourself the love that you needed as a child and never got. That is the beginning of all of this. And once you can get that moving then you can start to deal with your childhood. The more you love yourself the more you will put attention towards bettering yourself because you know you deserve it. The more willing you will be to have that scary conversation with your father because you will know that regardless of his response he will not make or break you. The more willing you will be to face that loss of a loved one because you'll know that love does not just occur in the physical. That as a matter of fact love truly exists in the spirit and there is nothing that can take that away. It is not of this world that we live in. It's of something bigger.
There are many ways to start loving yourself more. I recommend therapy. When you go to your first appt. you should feel a connection. It's like apartment hunting. You will know in the first few moments, definitely in the first session. If you don't feel anything see someone else until you do feel something. There are affirmations. There are a million self help books. There is meditation and tapping. There is so much help around us but we need to take the first step. I firmly believe the only reason we don't seek out growth is because we aren't loving ourselves. It is something we need to learn but please know that it can be taught. I know because I have lived it. Life never gets easier but as you continue to love yourself more and more you will be able to embrace both the pain and love in this world. Because you know that without both of them you wouldn't be able to experience all the beauty that exists in every moment.
I'd like to take a moment to thank my father. We had a non-existent relationship when I was younger. He was there off and on but we didn't know each other. And because of three years of therapy I was able to see what a healthy relationship looked like and felt like. The relationship I experienced with my therapist taught me how a healthy relationship could exist. I then mirrored my other relationships. As I taught myself how to love myself, how to give and receive love, I began to teach my father. He has made a 360. And I am so utterly thankful. That is how I know the power of love because I have experienced it in myself and I've seen it change others. So please please please, if you get anything from reading my words, I hope it is the belief that real love does exist and it is as powerful as they say it is. It begins with you.
I salute you for reading this. And I support and encourage your growth. You took a step today. Celebrate that because you deserve it. You deserve the world. If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me here.
And cheers to all the fathers out there. To the fathers who have loved us the way that we needed and to the fathers who loved us the best that they knew how to. They have BOTH taught us how to love ourselves. And lets not forget our mothers=) They are deserving of our love too!
Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe.