The last couple of weeks have been severely trying times for me. So much change and so much unknowing.
I've officially jumped.
I've jumped and I haven't been able to realize that I'm flying right now because the fear of the unknown is so fucking palpable, it's just kind of underlying everything, every movement, every thought.
But I am pushing through. I'm processing as much fear as my body and soul can take without breaking. I almost feel like I am pushing through everything without really focusing on the fear or thinking about it too much. How ironic. It still feels everywhere but I'm not sitting, thinking about how horrible everything could turn out. I'm staying as focused as I can by doing the tasks that I need to shift through my next level of growth. I keep seeing myself in my new loft, with my studio, making lots of money.
What I am meant to learn now, is how to really push myself for the first time in my life. I am learning to push myself through my art and by doing so I am loving myself in ways that I have never experienced. And I gave up comforts that I now feel so fortunate to have and will be so happy when I have my own place again. I am sleeping on a friend's couch that I am extremely grateful for. I am showering at a gym. I don't have a kitchen. I've never lived like this.
However, It's weird. When I shower at the gym it is so relaxing. The gym is actually not the nicest by any means. It's the oldest gym I've ever had a membership at but it's perfect. It's rarely busy. I feel like I have the whole gym to myself. Every time I shower, the water feels so rejuvenating. Can you believe it? I'm in this dinky little shower and it feels like light. And the only thing I can think of that it is and I just realized it in this moment, that even though I don't have a place of my own, I am flying. I am trusting. I am believing. I am hopeful. I am facing my fears. And for that I am eternally grateful for these showers at the gym because in those moments I am reminded of all the light that I have.
So I'm writing this because it's been a minute. It was so dark for a couple of weeks that I was just going through the motions of surviving but now I'm starting to climb out of the fog. I am still seeing and feeling what it feels like to live in my own loft, photographing portraits of beautiful people, helping them to see their true beauty, through meditation, through healing, through pampering.
I am still making a choice to focus on what I know I deserve and what I know is coming to me. Always, always remember where you are headed. In the dark, embrace it, acknowledge it. And after that, keep your eyes and your feet moving forward because the dark is always lit. It is lit so much that it will eventually overcome the dark but you have to move through it.
So for anyone in dark times this piece of my heart is for you. You are not alone. I am walking with you. Let us keep moving forward! Let us continue to find new ways to love ourselves...see you in the light!
Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe.