My mind can wander when I'm driving sometimes, especially if I'm driving from LA to OC. The distance. No distractions. Well, there is the driving part. But my brain goes on auto.
I thought today about a specific interaction I had with someone who's energy that was like no other in my life. He was leaving to Colorado for an unspecified time. He wanted to see me because he did not know when he would see me again. I'm sure he was looking forward to it, having known he was going to move and wanting to put everything behind us. To see each other and to be in the present, not knowing what the future would bring.
I, on the other hand was in complete shock that he was leaving. I was also still holding on to past hurts. With one phone call I was on a roller coaster of emotion. It happens like that sometimes. In one moment your life is completely affected, all parts of you.
Within a couple of hours I was next to him. He was happy to see me. I was mixed with raw emotions, dazed, and confused. Our energies were yet again fighting each other. Before I knew it, I had pushed him away. He was probably at his most vulnerable and I pushed him away. He threw up his walls immediately and proceeded to, what felt like he was punching my heart...repeatedly. He just got worst and worst. I fought back. It was a massacre.
While it was happening I could see a train coming and we were both standing dead on the tracks, unable to move. We were frozen, somewhere in between the past and present. I could hear him talking and I could see the train coming towards us. My physical and spiritual world had collided within me and around me. Ironically, looking back it was quite beautiful to see and feel the physical and spiritual, the pain and love, simultaneously.
Within a few days I was able to take a step back. I felt bad because I wanted to love him. I wanted to send him off with hope and support for his future. I wanted to lift him. I wanted to remind him of how amazing he is so he could take that energy into this new world he was experiencing. But I was still hurt. And he had never apologized. This left me knowing that I deserved better. Half of me wanted to love him. Half of me wanted to love myself. And because it wasn't healthy, It could never be possible to do both. That is a realization that still breaks my heart.
Thinking about it today, I saw us as two wounded kids. Both trying their hardest, to love each other, the best way they knew how. Both flawed. Both in pain. Both wanting to jump but scared as fuck. And despite their fear, they both were still very drawn to each other by something not of this world.
I don't want to romanticize an unhealthy relationship. That happens daily in this society. But there is beauty in pain. We don't talk anymore because I know I deserve something healthier. But I can honestly say I have never had a connection with any other man like I did with him. Somehow our souls connected in something that I still cannot explain. I just know it existed. I know it exists still.