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3 steps to learn how to love your body.

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

If you're aware of your spiritual journey, you have most likely come to the conclusion at some point in time, that your spirituality is bigger than what exists in the physical. And though this is true, you still exist in a physical form. You cannot fully love yourself in the spiritual if you do not love yourself in the physical and vice versa.

Have you heard that voice in your head? That one that chimes in when you walk past a mirror, or try on clothes, or see someone on IG that has a million likes and has what society deems is the perfect body. Most likely you wish your face looked different, or your belly, or your breasts/chest, or your ass, or your hips, your arms, etc. That voice tells you, in one way or another, you're not enough.

Do you know what self love is? Self love is embracing all of you, not just parts of you. It's forgiveness for making the shitty decisions because you believed you weren't enough. It's learning to love the parts of you that you believe are not lovable. It's knocking down your walls so that you can even see what you have hidden. That is your journey. Now loving your body is not just about loving the way it looks but loving the way it feels and the way you feel in it. Loving the way you move, loving what you put into it are just as important and don't forget sex is a huge part of it as well. These are all parts of you that need to be healed and loved too.

So how do you love something that you've been taught to hate? The Seven Hermetic Principles can guide us. Lets focus on the Principle of Mentalism and the Principle of Correspondence. First, we know that everything is in our mind. We create our reality through the way we choose to think and that our inner and outer world are the same. So then, we must change the way we think. That will change our inner world which will then change our outer world.

STEP 1 FIND SOMETHING TO LOVE: What can you love about your body now? And I mean really love. Can you love your hips? Can you love your eyes? If you can't love any of your parts of your body then start here. Love that your body continues to fight for your life everyday. Love that your body perseveres. Love that your heart pumps your blood and your lungs help you breathe. There are a million things that your body does in every single moment to keep you alive. That's love.

STEP 2 REWIRE YOUR MIND: Go to you Youtube and search affirmations. There are affirmations for anything, for your body, for your health, for your career, for self love, etc. Play these in the background daily. You don't have to focus on them, just have them playing so you can hear them. Your subconscious is picking them up. You can also search healing frequencies and play those in the background as well. Write affirmations on post-its and put them on a mirror you look at everyday.

STEP 3 GET SUPPORT: Surround yourself with people who lift you, instead of drain you. If you don't have those people in your life then find that support and wisdom online, through videos, articles, etc. Find things to do or classes to take with like minded people, so you can find those people and get that support. Check out Conscious City Guide or Meetup. Life is difficult enough but it's even more difficult when you are striving for growth. You need people around you who support you and remind you of how amazing you are when you forget.

Remember to keep your focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. You attract what you are. If you're feeling courageous and are wanting to jump, head on over to www.michelledorothea.com and learn more about a Soulnaked Boudoir experience. Shedding your clothes in front of a stranger frees you in many ways. Learning to see yourself, all of you, gives you freedom and a strength that will shape you forever. And there is nothing like waking up to a huge photograph of yourself every morning that reminds you of a time that you made a choice to love yourself. Why? Because you are enough. Honey, you are more than enough, always have been, always will.

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The one question you need to always be asking yourself.

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

The last few years I have been seeking deeper and healthier relationships. During that process I was alone for quite some time after I shed previous relationships that were no longer serving me. As new relationships started to flow in, elation would be an understatement. After feeling stagnant for so long, movement forward rejuvenated me and made me feel alive. Feeling inspired, I started to actively search for a space that fed me. I wanted somewhere that felt safe, supportive, guided me for growth, showered love, and made me feel better than when I walked in. I tried yoga/meditation studios but energies always seemed a bit off. I left feeling ok but not good. That was until I found Ushaman Tribe or should I say, they found me.

The question you should constantly be asking yourself is does this feel good? And I don't mean does it feel good now and then you'll feel like shit later. No, I'm asking does it feel good today and will you still feel good about it tomorrow? If yes, that is what you should be doing. If no, you guessed it, that's a red light. Can you imagine how much your life would change if you kept your focus on what feels good and not on what doesn't? Go where your heart goes. 

From the moment I walked in and was greeted for the Ushaman Conscious Connections event I felt loved.  From being saged to cleanse ourselves of lower vibrational energy, to allowing our minds to rest and be present with meditation, to playing games to foster connection and hearing other people's inspiring stories, it all felt great. I felt great. It felt so warm to be in a room with other souls who's hearts were open and ready to receive. Even others who were there for their first time, offered a smile. Every where I turned, I found love. It's easy to get caught up, in day to day survival. You forget to connect up to you. What do you want? How are you feeling? Does it feel good? As soon as I left the event, I knew I wanted to experience it again. The next day I contacted them and volunteered my gifts to help them in any way that I could. I wanted this group to expand because I wanted everyone to feel what I felt. And that my love, is self love. When you love yourself it automatically pours onto everything you do and into everyone you connect with.

As we exchanged more information, I let them know that I was a photographer, they asked me if I could do event photography for them which I happily obliged. If that meant I could tell the story of the Ushaman Tribe so that others would be able to feel what I felt, I was all in. This past weekend was my second Conscious Connections event and I am feeling more powerful than ever.

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Although I love photography in general, boudoir photography is my focus. I still find that many don't know what boudoir photography is. For me, it's women shedding their clothes and the mask they wear everyday, to feel what being in their own skin feels like. It's making the time to celebrate our miraculous bodies that most don't feel good about. We've covered up who we are so much that we've forgotten to connect to ourselves. We've forgotten to love ourselves. We've been wired to be ashamed, to hide, to abuse, or to even get surgery so that we can fit into someone else's ideal. Can you fathom how much damage that does to someone? How much damage is that for a child? How does one feel waking up everyday and hating the skin they are in and how does that seep into everything we do and everyone we love? How much would your life change if you actually loved the skin you are in, if you chose to honor and celebrate your body? Soulnaked Boudoir helps you to love yourself by creating an experience that is safe, supportive, encouraging, and loving for you to explore your body like you never have before. It's an opportunity to discover parts of you that you've been neglecting so you can shift that energy into love. Self love is key and how can you love yourself if you don't even love the body you're in? How can you love others if you don't love yourself? You're not suppose to love your body once you change this or change that, you are suppose to love and honor your body as you are now. And if you do, that's self love, that's self acceptance, and that my love, is power. 

So ask yourself today if what you're doing feels good? Honor yourself by following your heart and listening to what it is you have to say. It's time. It's time for self love and it's time to feel good. 

Sending all of you love, light, and healing energy always!

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Why always saying yes is self sabotage.

Self Love, HealingMichelle Dorothea TuckerComment

When I think of people always saying yes to others, I always picture a woman, more specifically a mother. Sometimes, I picture my mom. I grew up with my mom doing everything for me. She would do my laundry, clean, and cook for me. At the time it was great but it wasn't until therapy that I could see that not only was it manipulative and controlling but that it would negatively impact me as an adult.

For example, when I wanted to move out at 27, she came up with the idea that she would move out and I would stay there. This was amazing in my eyes. I didn't have to move my things, I was still getting my space, and I was getting a reduced rent. In my mom's eyes she was getting what she wanted as well. She was protecting me from the dangers of the outside world and she wasn't losing me.

People will do a lot of things to prevent themselves from dealing with their own shit, aka self sabotage. They'll get into relationships or marry, have kids, stay busy with work and/or others, take drugs, have sex, and/or take on obsessions in the forms of people or things. Among these are when people find themselves doing more for others, than they are for themselves.

Now, don't get me wrong. It is absolutely beautiful to give to others. The key is to love yourself so much that all of that love flows through you and onto/into everyone and everything that you do. But if you begin to find yourself doing more for others than you do for yourself, or if you feel you are doing more for one person and there's no reciprocation then you are doing more harm than good. Not only are you stripping yourself but you are enabling their behavior as well. Plus, you are preventing yourself from focusing much needed love and attention for your life, your issues, and for all the healing that you need.

Saying no is not easy. Some feel it's their responsibility, or they feel guilt. All that is, is a conditioned way of thinking and that can be unlearned. For this you need to rewireyour subconscious. You can do this by listening to affirmations in the background constantly, writing your new beliefs down and posting them where you will see them daily.

Let me leave you with this note. When I am loving myself fully I can give to people who have destroyed others, who have hurt me even. But when I am not loving myself, I can't even give to the people I love the most, the people that make it easy to love them. Giving should make you feel good and if it doesn't it's time to start questioning how much are you giving to yourself.

Sending all of you love, light, and healing energy!

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What my first boudoir experience taught me.

Boudoir, Self Love, HealingMichelle Dorothea TuckerComment

A couple months ago, I found myself traveling south to San Diego. I had a beautiful experience visiting Coronado Island for the first time. I finished my trip at the amazing, Britt Scrips Inn. It is a restored home from 1887. As soon as I stepped into the bedroom, I thought I have to photograph here. For those of you that don't know the word boudoir derives from the french verb bouder, meaning to sulk. Boudoir became a room for a woman to retreat to and eventually came to mean her bedroom. If I've ever slept anywhere that made me feel like I was transported back in time to a boudoir, this room would be it. As I looked at myself through the mirror of the vanity, I posed and posed to see what photographs would look like. I've never stayed in a home so old and beautiful. I told myself repeatedly, I will be shooting in this room.

Fast forward a few weeks later and a photographer that I followed online, Teri of Teri Hofford Photography posted that she was traveling and wanted to shoot while she was in San Diego. Mind you, I already knew of Teri and admired her vision and work. I jumped at the opportunity to shoot with her. I thought not only will I have the amazing experience of being in front of the lens but I'll be able to learn from her as well, from a photographer point of view. Now we didn't end up shooting at Britt Scrips but we were shooting in San Diego, which I definitely know I attracted.

The experience was interesting for me. I've been in front of the camera years ago, on stage, and in film so I'm fairly use to it. But as I said, that was many years ago. I felt fairly confident in my wardrobe but as we began to shoot, Teri told me to deep breathe with my mouth open. I could feel my lips tremble. My knee jerk reaction was to focus on being sexy but the experienced will tell you, that is exactly what you should not do. I kept telling myself to focus on my breath and the trembling eventually stopped. For the remainder of the shoot, I focused on my breath and feeling my body. I stayed with my body and really felt the softness of my skin.

It turns out for me, the most difficult part of the entire experience was not shooting but in fact, viewing my images. There were definitely ones that I loved and ones that I did not like at all. The few where I looked heavier were the ones I didn't like. But it was weird because after a few minutes I had the overwhelming urge to post the ones I didn't like. I emailed Teri and told her what I was feeling and she said that I needed to really sit with the ones that I didn't care for. I needed to fall in love with them. She was so right! I needed to love all of me, not just the parts of me that fit society's standard of beauty.

I've never had an experience like this with my photographs. Normally, I see images mostly where I look bigger and they will never see the light of day. I've never thought twice about them. But not that day. That day I sat with them. Looking at them and eventually smiling with them, embracing every bit of me.

Did I post them? You bet your ass I did and I've posted them here as well. The first image you see below is the one I disliked the most. It is not a coincidence that you can read my ink that says, I love you. I got that ink during a difficult time and I wanted it as a reminder of self love to myself. I ended up, unknowingly putting it in a location where everyone can see it when I'm walking towards them. I always tell people if they can see it, I'm telling them I love them too. The universe is so utterly beautiful. It's always speaking to us, sometimes it shouts.

 

There was a freedom in posting the images I disliked. I realized that since I've gained weight over the past couple of years, I've tried to create this online persona where I had not gained weight. It wasn't something I was thinking about. Instead, it was something that was on autodrive. So many of us are on autodrive. It's time we stop and think, put a pause on things and slow down. Something else I realized months ago and I have not told one soul. I hold my stomach in. I don't know how long I've been subconsciously doing it. Years, I assume, shit, maybe my whole adult life. Isn't that mind boggling? At what point did I feel like I had to do that, so much that I did it on a subconscious level. I still do it now but I notice I catch myself doing it and I'll deep breathe and push my belly out to stop. That's just one way I was disliking myself everyday. How many of these am I doing?

It never crossed my mind that my real growth would be in the aftermath of my shoot. My experience with boudoir prompted me to discover more parts of me that needed healing and that's what self love is. It's continuing to discover all of these parts of you that have been hidden, waiting for the right moment to be brought into the light. Does it mean that I all of a sudden love myself fully, no it does not. But it does mean that I love more of me today than I did yesterday and that's the goal. I am grateful for that and for Teri.

Moral of the story, self love is an ongoing process. In every moment you are either moving in love or in fear and it all begins inside of you. You choose what you want to see in the world and that depends on what you choose to see within yourself. I'm just like you, on the same journey of self love. Some are still trying to find themselves, some are trying to find their career, a love, a meaning to life, and some are just trying to survive. But underneath all of that is the discovery of self love. We're all together in this. So stop judging yourself and stop judging others. Stop pulling yourself down and pulling down others. We're all the same, just all in different spaces and sometimes, sometimes we meet in the very same spot. And in that moment we have the opportunity to meet in love or in fear. I choose love. What do you choose?

These two images are my favorites and will be purchasing these as my Soulnaked Wall Art. I can't wait to come home to these beauties. I can't wait to come home to myself.

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Thoughts on spirituality, suicide, and knowing your truth...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

First of all it's been a long ass time since I've written. That doesn't mean that my energy is not with you or that your energy is not with me. It just means that I miss you and I'm so happy to be with you again!

I've been wanting to write this piece for some time but wasn't ready to really sit with it and let it wash over me. But now I'm ready, so here it is.

Through my journey of loving myself, I've come to realize that there is so much darkness that exists in us all. And as you begin to embrace those parts of you that you've run from all your life, you will start to feel like...I don't think there are any words for it. You can feel it emotionally, spiritually, physically, this unbearable something that makes you feel not right. People who run and always live in chaos feel pain. But they do not feel their darkness. Darkness is something else. It is a place that I think some people feel as though they cannot return from.

There was a beautiful light named Faith Parks. I never met her in person, only through FB. I instantly felt connected to her. I requested her, she accepted, and we shared a few emails. There was no sense of her pushing away my love. She seemed open. Her heart seemed wide open. Shortly after that, I didn't see much of her on my feed and I figured it was FB picking and choosing what I saw so I didn't think much of it. A few weeks later it showed up that she had transitioned and taken her life.

Another beautiful soul who I met on FB a couple years ago, has recently transitioned as well. It has not come out yet but my soul tells me that he took his life as well.

The irony in all of this and what was so painful at the time is that both of these spirits were so loving, so giving, so spiritual, and both intelligent. Now, yes I did not know them very well but they both seemed well aware of the light and darkness that we all have. Many of their loved ones seemed shocked as well. So how is it then that someone who seems very much so "enlightened" take their life?

I don't have an answer and this continues to perplex me. I see many who lift others, yet have difficulty lifting themselves, myself included. The journey of self love is such a complex one, yet so simple if we just let it be. There are so many ironies in life. Everything we run from is exactly what we should be running towards and yet we know this and we continue to run from ourselves, over, and over again.

What I really want to express is that when you do this work, it's easy to get lost in it. And you have to know yourself well enough to seek light when you start to feel like you can't. The love you need is out there, even if you don't have it near you, you can find it online, in group meetings, in books, on youtube, therapy, etc. You are not alone and you can get through this. It's weird because you need to get lost in it but you also need to know when you need to get help.

The truth is that love is the most amazing, most powerful, most beautiful anything in this universe, and you are that. There is so much work to do on this planet, so much love to give, to teach, to lift, so many miracles yet to occur, so many inventions yet to be invented. Love is all around you, it surrounds you, it is you. So keep pushing through.

This is dedicated to all the beautiful lightworkers in this lifetime and the next, especially the aforementioned. Thank you for having such a profound meaning in my life. Next time we are meeting in person;) I love you!

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Three steps to starting over after you have given up...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

We’ve all been there. We quit. We quit something that we really wanted, something that we still want. We think about it everyday or every now and then when our minds go quiet.

It’s because things got too busy, or life got too hard. We could have told ourselves that we didn’t really need what we wanted, or that we could never have it. Maybe we even convinced ourselves that we’ll do it when the time is right…newsflash, the time will be never be right.

What if I told you your brain wants to keep you safe and safe means to keep you comfortable. What is comfortable? Take a look around. This is what comfortable looks like. It’s the familiar. It’s the same things over and over again.

It’s not that you are too busy or that life is too hard. You might very well be busy and life is hard but that’s not why you quit. You quit because your mind told you various reasons of why you should just give up now.  If you can acknowledge that when you hear your mind telling you to give up then you can start the process of changing.

Here are three steps to help you through the process.

1. Don’t judge yourself or the situation. When you are working to love yourself (change) it really is one step forward two steps back. Judging yourself is really punishing yourself because you don’t think you deserve to live the life that you want. It also creates a barrier for us to move forward.

2. Don’t think, just do. The first step back is always the most difficult. You have to get out of your mind. I had to make a huge decision years ago about whether or not I was going to move out of a home I shared with a boyfriend at the time. I kept going back and forth between love and fear. My girlfriend finally said one day, “Call your landlord and ask what the process is. You don’t have to decide anything but call and see what the process is.” I had nothing to lose. I didn’t have to commit to anything long term and you don’t either.  Make a choice today to take a step towards what you want. If tomorrow you decide you don’t want to go any further you don’t have to but get a taste of what you want. And if it’s something that is meant for you it will continue to draw you in. Remember, what you are seeking is seeking you.

3. Celebrate your first step.  Most people are programmed to be negative and a lot of them aren’t aware of it. Lets do a quick test.

You see a text message flash on your significant other’s phone. It reads, “I miss you sweetheart.” Is your reaction that he or she is cheating on you or is it that there is a reasonable explanation for this? For me, it would be both and in that order.  If your first response is that he or she is cheating, you are geared towards the negative. And don’t worry, it’s his or her mother.

Because of this negative programming we need to constantly balance it with positivity.  So, celebrate your first step whether it’s writing it in your journal, sharing it with a loved one, or going out. This will give you momentum to keep you moving forward. You deserve to live the life you want, you are worthy and you deserve to be celebrated.

So what are you waiting for? If you are reading this, it means you attracted this moment. It means that there is something that you quit and you still feel the urge to go back to it. Take this as a sign, your sign to pick yourself up and try again. I believe in you and you are supported. Sending you love, light, and healing energy!

Be amazing my queens and kings!

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I have walked away from more boys this past year than ever...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

It's an interesting period when you are in between letting go of your belief that you are not worthy of love to believing wholeheartedly that you are deserving of an authentic, healthy love. As parts of me still believe in my past and parts of me believe in my future, I am still drawing them both into my life.

Past lovers continue to knock on my door, for what reason I'm not sure. To fill their voids, to know if I am still connected to them, to not feel alone, to feel loved, but probably a mix of all of these. I find myself giving them second chances (with a grain of salt) only to have things fall into place as they previously had...me walking away from an emotionally unavailable boy.

I told my girlfriend the other day, that I don't know if I even want to meet "the one" right now. I feel like there is so much I want to still do and so many people I want to meet. Or maybe it's just that I don't think that I can meet the type of man that I want to help lead me in the environments that I am in now. Now that I think about it, it's definitely the latter. And I'm sure that's part of the reason why I have yet to fall in love.

I did however tell my girlfriend that I would love to have someone in my life who can reciprocate my love. I'd love to have a healthy relationship for once in my life and to grow within it. I miss staying in all day, loving each other, laughing, and learning about one another. I miss having someone to call and vent to. I miss having someone to hold me and say, "everything is going to be o.k., you're amazing, and I love you." I miss having someone take care of me when I'm sick. I miss having someone to go have new experiences with. I miss having someone.

It's been two years since my last relationship. I feel like I've grown so much and I want someone to share that with. But as much as I've grown there still is some part of me that believes I'm not worthy of something healthy and that things will never change for me.

I watched a video of a speech by Jim Carey the other day. He says something like, don't have hope, for it is something like you are begging the universe. He says instead, to believe that it will happen, to know it. In my words, we have to command ourselves and command to the universe what we know to be true. Remember that the universe is a reflection of ourselves.

I keep the focus within.

I AM DESERVING OF A HEALTHY, INSPIRING, AUTHENTIC, LOVE. I AM DESERVING OF A SPIRITUAL KING, AS I AM BECOMING MY SPIRITUAL QUEEN.

Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe!!

Lover relationships...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

I think too often we underestimate love. We don't honor it the way we should. We have knee jerk reactions like, "I'm not ready," without even thinking about it. I don't think we are ever ready to grow. Shit happens and all of a sudden we are faced with a decision. A decision to grow or a decision to fall back. Relationships are exactly this way. Relationships push us to grow.

I use to think the best teacher to teach me love would be myself. But ya know what? The first person to teach me about a healthy love was not myself. It was my therapist and I am so thankful for her. How could I have taught myself when I didn't even know what it was, what it looked like, or how it was suppose to feel?

Real love requires work. It requires pain to work through all of our bullshit. Real love requires attention towards all the shit that we have been on auto drive, pushing away all our lives.

It hurts my heart when I hear people speak so negatively about relationships, love, and marriage. Marriage especially because so many have ended in divorce. People look to those and think they can't work. People believe the only thing that can be gained from marriage is a very expensive divorce.

Let me tell you how a typical relationship goes. Two people meet and they fall for how the other person makes them feel. They are not falling for the other person. Did you hear that? Let that piece of gold sink in for a bit. -------------------

When the other person can't make them feel the same way anymore, that's when things start to sour. But here's the kicker, the person never made you feel anything. Your perception of her or him made you feel how you felt. You were filling a void with that person and now that it's not being filled the same way, you look for something else. It could be the gym, work, an affair, a baby, the list goes on. You will continue to search for vices until you decide to deal with your shit. And you will always feel that emptiness if you don't. That hole directly leads you home but you have to jump into it. I promise you there is light on the other end.

And on a side note, you only get from love what you put into it just like everything else in life. You wouldn't recommend someone to half ass their career would you? Then why would you expect to half ass a relationship and then bitch about how it didn't work. Then there's those who give all of themselves to someone who isn't able to reciprocate. Both of them have one thing in common...a lack of self love.

Self love is the key ingredient in loving others. I feel it's really the only ingredient. You want to love yourself so much that your love pours onto others. And you also want to continue to discover new ways to fall in love with yourself, just like you have to find new ways to fall in love in your relationships. If your focus is always on you, making sure you are the best version of you, you will automatically want the best for those around you. It's when our energies are low that we can't love others in the ways we had hoped that we could. So it is our responsibility for loving ourselves. It is our responsibility to face our demons. And it is our responsibility for our happiness.

The beauty of love is growth. A growth that leads to our realization of our true power. And our true power is our light. Our light creates every moment, it draws anything we want to us, it  overcomes, it lifts others, it heals, it forgives, it changes the world.

Love really is the only thing that matters. Love yourself fully and find a million new ways to fall in love with yourself. And when you love yourself you'll know that you deserve real, healthy love. When the opportunity comes, you'll be able to embrace it instead of running. And if you run...isn't it really you who you are running from?

Jump...

Send you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe!




Letting go and surrendering to the universe...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

I would like to say, that doing this does not necessarily make things easier. I've seen those quotes that say when you look at the bigger picture, letting go will have been easier than holding on but at this time I can't agree with that. I assume that after all of this passes through me, I will agree but I have yet to reach that space.

Yes, there is no more chaos. There is no more drama and the constant up down, up down. Instead there is a silence, a waiting. And in that silence my fear is very real, very palpable. A fear that wasn't quite known to me before, at least not in this clothing. Everything use to be so chaotic that my mind was more on auto drive and dealt with elements that were physically in front of me. But when I let go, everything is more calm. Externally, things happen and I embrace that they either bring me down or lift me and then it's on to what can I do next. What power do I have in this situation? How can I respond that reflects love for myself and others? I then act. In between a million of those moments the fear is there, whispering. I feel little messages like;

Here we go again.

You're never going to find someone to love you.

You're not worthy.

You're a failure.

Things will never change.

I don't spend much time on them. They kind of come and go, quietly.  If you want to know how much you love yourself, it's in these honest moments that you will know.

It's interesting how we spend so much time focusing all our energy on shit that doesn't matter, on shit that we don't have control over, i.e. other people, other things. I have been in many relationships that mainly prevented me from focusing on dealing with my own growth. Obviously I did grow from them and that's the great thing about relationships, they exist for our growth. But its kind of an indirect growth. You grow through your experiences externally, instead of growing through your experiences internally. I think the first one is more reactive than anything. Where the latter is more active. It's interesting how many vices we have that keep us from acknowledging our real problems. Relationships, careers, politics, food, drugs, even the gym can all be vices. Even things that seem positive can still be a vice if it is something you are going to, in order to not deal with you.

When you surrender there is no chaos to consume your mind. So you're left with a solitude. It exists for growth and in those moments you learn who you truly are. Surrendering means you are telling the universe that you will embrace all that comes to you because you trust the universe. And when I say universe, I am referring to yourself because you attract what you are. So everything that is coming to you, you have attracted it for the growth that you are ready for. Once you love yourself enough, you will trust the process. You will trust the universe. You will trust yourself. You will know that you are much more than anything and everything that is coming to you and you will know that it is coming to push you to the next level of your growth.

So love yourself. And try to lay back and relax. Trust that everything will be brought to you when it is meant to be brought to you because you are the one orchestrating your life. Trust that your spirit knows who, what, and when, it is time. Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe.

My letter to fear...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

Greetings Fear,

First of all, I want to tell you that I love you. I believe in you and I support you. And I will always want the best for you. But I will not drag myself down to lift you up.

I know you have helped me during times when I could not face reality. You helped me to run away from things that I thought would break me. You kept me alive and functioning and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I'm not who I use to be. I've grown. I've changed. And I'm learning that accepting reality, actually dealing with the uncomfortable and painful events, doesn't actually kill me. In a matter of fact, I have found that after going into the great depths of my soul, parts of me that I've shut down and ignored for so long, I actually feel amazing after. I feel stronger. I feel like a weight has lifted that I didn't even know was present but now that it is gone, it is so evident that it was there the entire time.

I know that you have tried to protect me. I know that you think that what is familiar must be safe because that is all you know. I want to tell you that there is so much more out there in the universe and by universe, I mean me. There is so much beauty, so many places, so many people. And most of all there is so much love. Love that I cannot even express in words. I can only feel it.

I want you to know that I judged you. I even hated you at times. I was so angry that I wanted things in my life to change so bad. But I was always so frightened that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve real love or real happiness. I was always afraid that what if I had given it my all and nothing changed? So I stayed still, afraid to move...for so many years.

I'm crying as I write this. I am so sorry for judging you. I am so sorry for using you only when it was convenient for me. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything wrong. I'm sorry for fighting with you when I should have loved you and let you go. I use to think that fighting you or ignoring you was the only way for us to move forward. I wanted to pretend that you didn't exist. I am so sorry for not acknowledging who you are. I now know that the only way to move forward with you is for us to love each other and make peace with each other.

So from now on, I'm going to do my best to lift you and to help you grow. I'm going to teach that you are so strong and that you can face anything that comes to you because that is how amazing you are! And when you face those obstacles and you dig deep for everything that you've got, I will be right by your side. I want to show you how much love there is in the world. And most of all, how much love exists inside of us.

If you are not ready for this journey, I understand and I will love you still. I am sorry but I will not be able to keep you close, not like we were before. I will love you from afar and send you love, light, and healing energy. I will not be held down by you because you are not ready. That is your journey.

And this...is mine.

Seeing the light in the darkest of times...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

The last couple of weeks have been severely trying times for me. So much change and so much unknowing.

I've officially jumped.

I've jumped and I haven't been able to realize that I'm flying right now because the fear of the unknown is so fucking palpable, it's just kind of underlying everything, every movement, every thought.

But I am pushing through. I'm processing as much fear as my body and soul can take without breaking. I almost feel like I am pushing through everything without really focusing on the fear or thinking about it too much. How ironic. It still feels everywhere but I'm not sitting, thinking about how horrible everything could turn out. I'm staying as focused as I can by doing the tasks that I need to shift through my next level of growth. I keep seeing myself in my new loft, with my studio, making lots of money.

What I am meant to learn now, is how to really push myself for the first time in my life. I am learning to push myself through my art and by doing so I am loving myself in ways that I have never experienced. And I gave up comforts that I now feel so fortunate to have and will be so happy when I have my own place again. I am sleeping on a friend's couch that I am extremely grateful for. I am showering at a gym. I don't have a kitchen. I've never lived like this.

However, It's weird. When I shower at the gym it is so relaxing. The gym is actually not the nicest by any means. It's the oldest gym I've ever had a membership at but it's perfect. It's rarely busy. I feel like I have the whole gym to myself. Every time I shower, the water feels so rejuvenating. Can you believe it? I'm in this dinky little shower and it feels like light. And the only thing I can think of that it is and I just realized it in this moment, that even though I don't have a place of my own, I am flying. I am trusting. I am believing. I am hopeful. I am facing my fears. And for that I am eternally grateful for these showers at the gym because in those moments I am reminded of all the light that I have.

So I'm writing this because it's been a minute. It was so dark for a couple of weeks that I was just going through the motions of surviving but now I'm starting to climb out of the fog. I am still seeing and feeling what it feels like to live in my own loft, photographing portraits of beautiful people, helping them to see their true beauty, through meditation, through healing, through pampering.

I am still making a choice to focus on what I know I deserve and what I know is coming to me. Always, always remember where you are headed. In the dark, embrace it, acknowledge it. And after that, keep your eyes and your feet moving forward because the dark is always lit. It is lit so much that it will eventually overcome the dark but you have to move through it.

So for anyone in dark times this piece of my heart is for you. You are not alone. I am walking with you. Let us keep moving forward! Let us continue to find new ways to love ourselves...see you in the light!

Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe.

Seeing the train coming but unable to stop it...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

My mind can wander when I'm driving sometimes, especially if I'm driving from LA to OC. The distance. No distractions. Well, there is the driving part. But my brain goes on auto.

I thought today about a specific interaction I had with someone who's energy that was like no other in my life. He was leaving to Colorado for an unspecified time. He wanted to see me because he did not know when he would see me again. I'm sure he was looking forward to it, having known he was going to move and wanting to put everything behind us. To see each other and to be in the present, not knowing what the future would bring.

I, on the other hand was in complete shock that he was leaving. I was also still holding on to past hurts. With one phone call I was on a roller coaster of emotion. It happens like that sometimes. In one moment your life is completely affected, all parts of you.

Within a couple of hours I was next to him. He was happy to see me. I was mixed with raw emotions, dazed, and confused. Our energies were yet again fighting each other. Before I knew it, I had pushed him away. He was probably at his most vulnerable and I pushed him away. He threw up his walls immediately and proceeded to, what felt like he was punching my heart...repeatedly. He just got worst and worst. I fought back. It was a massacre.

While it was happening I could see a train coming and we were both standing dead on the tracks, unable to move. We were frozen, somewhere in between the past and present. I could hear him talking and I could see the train coming towards us. My physical and spiritual world had collided within me and around me. Ironically, looking back it was quite beautiful to see and feel the physical and spiritual, the pain and love, simultaneously.

Within a few days I was able to take a step back. I felt bad because I wanted to love him. I wanted to send him off with hope and support for his future. I wanted to lift him. I wanted to remind him of how amazing he is so he could take that energy into this new world he was experiencing. But I was still hurt. And he had never apologized. This left me knowing that I deserved better. Half of me wanted to love him. Half of me wanted to love myself. And because it wasn't healthy, It could never be possible to do both. That is a realization that still breaks my heart.

Thinking about it today, I saw us as two wounded kids. Both trying their hardest, to love each other, the best way they knew how. Both flawed. Both in pain. Both wanting to jump but scared as fuck. And despite their fear, they both were still very drawn to each other by something not of this world.

I don't want to romanticize an unhealthy relationship. That happens daily in this society. But there is beauty in pain. We don't talk anymore because I know I deserve something healthier. But I can honestly say I have never had a connection with any other man like I did with him. Somehow our souls connected in something that I still cannot explain. I just know it existed. I know it exists still.


Losing someone...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

I was going to write about something else today. But then I lost someone. Isn't that how it happens. A soul transitions out of this lifetime and for everyone who is left living, time stops. Whether it be brief or long...time... just...stops.

It doesn't seem real but then it hits, the reality of never seeing that person again, never talking to them, never touching them, never hearing them laugh, wanting to give any part of yourself to have the chance to say goodbye or to have one more moment. Whether someone's health was declining or it was a sudden accident the reality remains the same; you will never see this person in the physical world in the way that you have known them. That fact is one that some find unbearable. Some feel they can't live or don't want to live without the other.

Transitioning also reminds the living of where they are in life and how in one moment everything can change. We are reminded of what really matters. Love. Everything always comes back to love.

 What I am reminded is this. We are not humans. We are souls. We are love. We are spirit. And we are all connected, in all space and in all of time. Our physical bodies are just our vehicles that allow this wondrous world to play out. So when we leave, it's our bodies that are leaving. Our physical lives live on in the hearts of loved ones still living and our energy transitions into a different space in time but everything is still connected. You will always be connected to your loved ones even if they are not physically with you. Nothing can ever take that away. Just like everything and everyone in life comes in and out to foster our growth, transitioning follows the same path. We are not exempt from this fact. We are no different. We are the universe, thus we flow as the universe does.

We must mourn our loss, heal, learn, and honor those who's physical lives have come complete. We must be reminded of how fragile human life is because the truth is, many, many have forgotten.

We must love. We must love even when we are in fear, even when we are hurt. And the love I am speaking of is the love of oneself. We must forgive ourselves. We must stop punishing ourselves. We must not only honor our amazing hearts but also honor our stunning wounds. We must fully embrace all of ourselves. Every part of us is beautiful. The pain. The love. They are soulmates.

I dedicate this to my aunt. Thank you for reminding me how important every moment is. Thank you for some beautiful childhood memories. Thank you for the crazy perm you gave me lol, that is probably my favorite memory I have of you. I honor your soul and I honor your physical. I know I am always connected to you. Always. Sending you all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe. See in you in the next life.

And sending all of you, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe.

Therapy and why you need it...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

I got introduced to therapy by a teacher that was very much a father figure to me. It was while I was taking acting classes. He told me he had a therapist for over ten years and he said that all actors really need to know who they are, what makes them tick, and why they make the choices they do. He referred me to the office of which his therapist owned so that I could get someone under her.

I went to a few sessions and I couldn't feel a connection with her. I tell people when you are looking for a therapist, it's like looking at an apartment; you know within the first few minutes whether or not you want to live there. If you have to try to force a connection it won't work and you'll walk away thinking therapy doesn't work. If you don't feel something with your therapist then keep trying new ones till you do.

A year or two passed and I tried therapy again because i was in a relationship and he said I should go. It's amazing to look back and see how all of these paths were given to me to get me to where I am now.

Thus my journey of enlightenment began. Her name was Patricia. She was beautiful, warm, and very kind. I felt immediately drawn to her energy. She lifted me in the first meeting. I knew in that first meeting that if I showed up every week she would be there standing by my side. It was a relationship I had never had before...a healthy one.

She told me her job was to create a healthy, safe environment so that I would know what one looked like. With what I learned from her I could then take out into the world and have a model to work from.

During my three years of therapy:

  • I ended two toxic relationships
  • I held my father accountable and taught him how to love me
  • I learned how to make myself vulnerable to my father (love him)
  • I learned how much pain I could embrace instead of choosing not feel
  • I learned how to embrace authentic love and how to give authentic love
  • I acknowledged all of the pain that I have been holding onto since childhood, pain that I didn't even knew existed
  • I learned that so much of what I've been taught was a lie
  • And my biggest lesson was learning how to love myself, how to forgive myself, and how amazing I already was

I take full responsibility for dedicating myself to my growth, but Patricia is who lead me to the fountain. It is people like her who show up in our lives unexpectedly and from then on everything is different. And it is because of all of these reasons and a million more that I recommend therapy. 

It is imperative that you expose yourself to people who lift you, to people who challenge the way you think, and to people who place mirrors in front of you. There is so much going on under the surface. We are not our bodies. We are souls in bodies. And therapists have the knowledge to see why you make the choices you make before you are ever aware of them. A great therapist doesn't tell you why you do what you do, she asks you questions and leads you down a path so that you can figure it out yourself. I can't think of a better gift.

Everyone needs therapy at some point in their lives. Even if you were raised in a perfect upbringing you will still have issues. And until you learn the tools to work through them and learn how to love yourself, these issues will always be running you. Therapy also helps you to actually work through trauma. Many books cannot do that. You might know all of your issues but to know them vs. actually working through them is something entirely different. I don't think there is a better way to work through something than with the love and intelligence of another being, guiding you to a place that you cannot even see yet because when you are in it, you can't see out of it.

We also need to get rid of the negative stigma of therapy. People think they are strong by handling things themselves when it is exactly the opposite. How do you process something that you don't know how to process. How do you work through pain when you have never done that before. As children we shut off the pain by various methods. So then when do we learn how to deal with pain? In school? No. From our parents? I didn't. From friends and lovers? Nope. I just kept attracting the same scenarios over and over. And had I not been introduced to therapy I have no doubt that I would have been in the same environment. Because at that time I did not even know that I had a problem. I thought that was how life was. I thought I just kept meeting the wrong men. I thought I wasn't worthy and when you don't know there is a problem, how can you solve it? Therapy helps us discover parts of us we didn't know existed. I believe everyone could benefit from therapy. I would even go as far to say that most enlightened people who have done a lot of inner work, they have most all been through therapy at some point in their lives.

If finances are an issue they also have therapy on a sliding scale depending on your income. I paid as little at $35 a week. It is a small sacrifice that will reap benefits for a lifetime. 

So what are you waiting for? If you are reading this then that means you are seeking growth. I know it is uncomfortable. I know your mind is saying you don't need it. But that is your mind and your mind wants to keep you "safe." If you have come to this place then take that step to see if you are really ready. If you are not then it's o.k. You can always start again in a different place, a different time. Oh but what if it is time? What if this is the first step that will change your life? What if this is just the beginning?

Jump.

Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe!!


If you want love expect to get hurt...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

Relationships are composed of continuous moments of give and take. While one gives, the other takes and vice versa. It is part of the ebb and flow of life...up down, up down. And if it is a lasting relationship you will find that you will also fluctuate from being more close and from being more distant at times. This is what healthy relationships look like. The question is do you value your relationship enough to continue to put the energy in it for it to last?

When I say "relationships," I am referring to the relationship with yourself, your friends, your family, your lover, i.e. every relationship in your life. *So as you read this, take the time to apply everything that I am saying to all your relationships, especially yourself.* Yes, I just created my own punctuation lol. That is how important this is!

You should expect your relationships to be push, pull. You should expect it to be up and down. You should expect to feel love and to feel pain. You even should expect to be lifted and to be dragged down. The key is to keep a balance. Whenever that balance remains tipped to one side for too long then it is time to question that relationship.

I can honestly say that everyone whom I keep close, which are a select few, are relationships that are full of extreme love and extreme pain. When you have a deep connection with someone you allow yourself to be fully open, fully vulnerable. And guess what? When you are vulnerable you will get hurt. You will be fully vulnerable with only a few people and those people are going to be the fortunate ones to see that side of you. They are the ones who have earned your vulnerability. Because everyone has their own shit that they are dealing with they are not always thinking of you and that's when the pain comes. Sometimes people aren't able to love themselves as much as they would like to. Some days they love themselves more than others. On those days that they can't love themselves, they won't be able to love you as much as they could have, had they been able to love themselves more. When I love myself fully I can give so much of myself to others. I can put them first in those moments. But when I'm weak I will conserve my energy to take care of myself. Can someone say survival of the fittest?

Now that does not mean that I love you any less.  It just means that I need to do what is best for me in that moment. Many will take those moments personally and that is not the case. They will think that it is a reflection of how I feel about them, or how I feel about the relationship. Always remember, people love you as much as they can love themselves. That is a constant.  A healthy person will be aware that they are not loving themselves and they will take the time to love themselves and then they can love you.  

So when you decide that you want love in your life, I mean really decide that you want authentic, honest, can lift you in a second, kind of love, please know that it will be painful. Just like anything that you want in life. Your passions, your goals, they all require love and pain; the love that you have for them and the pain that you will go through on your journey to climb those mountains. So then, why would love be any different? 

Love is the biggest mountain you will ever climb and thus will be the most amazing journey you will ever take...but only if you decide to.

Don't run at the first sign of pain. Now if there are signs of pain all over the place, then get your ass out of there, and fast. That scenario reeks of an unhealthy attachment, reliving your childhood pain, and constantly triggering you, type of relationship. But if you're wanting to run only because you are so fearful of feeling any type of real pain then take a step back and see why you are really running. After all there is a reason why you have made yourself so vulnerable to this person in the first place. I can only hope it was because you felt this was a healthy relationship for you. So ask yourself why are you running? Is it because this other person that you liked so much is really that horrible of a person that she hurt you and shouldn't be in your life or is it because she opened up a world of unexpected pain for you that you can't bare to feel? 

Life lesson. Run towards that which you fear.

Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe!!


When you want someone who won't reciprocate...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

Everyone knows what it feels like to want something or someone that is unobtainable. To feel the warmth of something that can't show up the way you wished it would is a familiar pain for all.

First thing I want you to remember is that everything and everyone comes in and out of your life to foster your growth. You have already created your environment for you to grow. So then why did you create this? What can you learn from this? What in you still needs to shift? There are many answers to these questions and they would differ from each person but here are some possibilities.

  • You don't believe you deserve real love.
  • You don't believe in real love.
  • You don't know what real love is.
  • You believe you are valued only if you are loved by someone.
  • You are trying to find something external to focus your energy on so that you don't have to focus on yourself.

Another factor to consider is that a lot of times when one finds himself deeply connected to someone it's because their energy is triggering something in him that still needs to be healed. Again, you attracted her into your life to foster your growth. Once you realize this you will see more and more why you are attracting certain people and events. If someone is triggering you it really could be anyone with that same energy and you would feel the same way. A lot of relationships are like this. People think they are in love. There's a possibility that they love. But they are not in love. They are triggering each other and you could replace one of them with anyone else with the same energy and it would be the same situation. If you can see this, it can help ease the pain.

And another point I would like you to keep in mind. We are all connected, in every moment, in every space and time. So know that you and her are connected and always will be. No one and nothing can take that away. If you can grasp this, it can too help ease the pain.

And lastly...fall in love with yourself. I know it is trite. But it's the hardest thing you will ever learn to do and I believe firmly it is why we are here. We are here to learn to love ourselves so deeply that we can then perfect our gifts to share with the world. Our gifts are plenty and are our light...and are our love. 

Know that you deserve the universe. And when you are ready you will meet your partner. Everything happens to foster your growth. Every moment. Believe.

Sending you all, all the love, light, and healing energy in the universe.

You have created every moment you encounter, including this one...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

A couple of nights ago I had the biggest epiphany I've had in awhile. I've said for quite some time that we attract what we are, not what we want. I've also said that everything comes in and out of our lives to foster our growth. I watched this video from one of my my favorite websites, www.finerminds.com and all of a sudden my mind went deeper.

Imagine that in this very moment of you reading this, that you created this to foster your growth. That we are in fact creating an environment for growth in everything and everyone. And all of this is done without us even being aware of it. It just happens, automatically.

How beautiful is that? To evolve, to grow, to love, that is what we are designed to do. As my mind continued to fall, I saw how beautiful everything is. So often events occur in life that don't look how we had hoped for. But what happens if they are unfolding just as they should to create a foundation for us to heal, to grow, to love. 

I knew all these things separately but this was the first time they all tied together, like a puzzle finally put together. I laid there in bed in awe. I laughed and smiled in numbness. I felt like I had all the signs, all the love, all the security that I could ever need in that one moment.

Of course that was fleeting, as a couple of days have passed and I've settled back into my normality of life. But that moment is on the tip of my tongue, my heels on the edge of the cliff, ready...more than ever in my life. I can feel my wings dripping with anticipation of their first real flight.

To be continued=)

Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!


Do you find yourself falling for others quickly? This is for you...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

Allow me to paint my twenties for you with three different perspectives.

1. Me: I met this guy. He's amazing. We had sex and I thought it was good but he started acting differently after. He stopped calling and being responsive. The more I tried to figure out what was happening the more he distanced himself to me. We don't talk anymore.

2. Boy: I met this girl. I was feeling her. We had sex. It was good but I'm not feeling her like that anymore. After sex she changed. She's blowing me up now, asking what happened. We barely know each other. 

3. Reality from my 34 year old self--------------------- ;)

Me: I created a reoccurring environment similar to my childhood because that is what felt safe and comfortable. I would attract emotionally unavailable boys because that is what I believed I deserved, that is all that I knew.  Subconsciously, I translated sex with love so I gave myself quickly in hopes of securing that love. When he started to distance himself I would chase him even more in desperate attempts to get him to see that I was worthy of his love. He would disappear and I would be left feeling abandoned and devastated, i.e. my childhood over and over.

Can love happen fast and be real? Yes, I believe it can but only when both partners are living as enlightened individuals who love and know themselves deeply. I think most of the examples of people falling for others so quickly, is because of something else not having anything to do with love. 

All relationships exist to foster our growth. Most of lover relationships exist to do only that. They are not meant to last a lifetime or even a month. Check out this video by Lisa Nichols where she explains further exactly what I am saying. 

When I look back on my twenties all I remember is sleeping with boys, overeating, and feeling lost. The reason why I illustrate the above is because as you can see it had nothing to do with what it looked like on the surface. It went much deeper.  When you fall for someone whom you barely know but makes you feel amazing, it is because that person is triggering something in you that still needs healing. Because someone makes you feel loved or connected does not mean that it is real. It does not mean that the other person loves himself or is healthy. All of that takes time to see and to be proved. Not in the sense that they have something to prove but in the sense of matching their actions with their words. One of the most intellectual men I have ever met was the most amazing man I have ever met. I loved his mind. I had never dated a man like him before. I always dated men that I had to teach. This man taught me. He made me think in ways that I had never experienced. He challenged me and I challenged him. I assumed someone who was this intellectually enlightened must have been equally enlightened with love. This was not the case at all. As time went on and he subconsciously got more vulnerable another side of him began to act out and continued to get worse with time. I realized he had many walls up that kept him from being able to embrace the love I gave him. Point being it takes time to know someone. Most of the time people don't even love themselves nor do they know themselves and it makes it that much more difficult to love others and to know others. 

Healthy relationships usually go slow. They go slow because when two people meet and they love themselves deeply there is no pull drawing them desperately to the other person. There are no voids being filled, there are no childhoods being relived, etc. It's two honest people getting to know each other to see if they are looking in the same direction together. 

If you are falling for people easily, it has nothing to do with that person. It has everything to do with the fact that he or she is triggering deep, subconscious issues that have not been dealt with. That is the pull. That is the anxiety. That is the draw.  This is happening so these issues can be brought to light so they can be resolved and you can be healed. There is comfort in that because once you realize it has nothing to do with the other person it hurts less. People tend to focus on the person, the memories, etc. In reality it could have been anyone else, just someone who triggered you and it would have been the same result.

So if this is you, know that the work is with you. The other person, the relationship, etc. is not what's important. What is important, is what in you is attracting this type of energy and what in you needs healing.

Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!!!


My vent on lonliness...

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

There's a quote that goes something like you can't be alone if you enjoy the company you are with.

So I'm sitting here alone, feeling very empty. And all I can keep thinking is that I must not enjoy the company of myself...

The only thing I could think of to do was write. I went on craigslist earlier, pof, searching for men, just to not be alone. I didn't reach out to anyone because I have grown enough to know that dating would be something used to divert myself from my internal to the external. So here I am writing. Thank you in advance for reading.

Why is it so hard to love ourselves? I read something today that said we were not here to create some miraculous version of ourselves, instead we're here to undo all the programming so that we're left with nothing but who we really are. That was a beautiful thought. That we are so amazing just by who we are. We're not amazing because of our accomplishments, our goals, material assets, the pain we've endured, etc. We're incredible just by being ourselves. We're meant to live in our truth and when we do, we are miraculous by our own nature.

So then why can't we just shift our thinking? I know why it's hard to love ourselves. Our brain is on auto drive to keep us in the past and protected in it's own eyes. I know we have to undo all of what we've learned. And even with that knowing it is still such a long journey to shift. But I guess it took years and years of programming, it's not going to dissipate overnight. 

I keep reminding myself that I'm exactly where I need to be. That it's the journey that matters, not the destination, and that I'm already there. Actually, I'm already here, exactly where I need to be. In my complete truth I know that my last really big shift that I've been fearful of is fully letting go of my attachments to people, particularly lovers. My attachment to food, my other big vice, is almost fully burned up. So I'm left with the emotionally unavailable boys that I continue to attract. Can you sense my sourness lol? Yes, I'm working on that as well.

But that's shifting as well. If it wasn't I would have contacted someone tonight. Instead I'm here with myself acknowledging parts of me that are screaming to be heard and let go. 

So I took a two day break from writing this. During that time I tapped, meditated, wrote in my gratitude list, and realized that my mother is going through a huge shift herself. And a few hours earlier I found out that one of the largest dance agencies reposted my recent work with one of their dancers. 

I was down a bit this week and I experienced the pain and I kept telling myself I will pick myself up, something will shift. That is one things I've learned. If you continue to pursue your growth, you will change. Your life will change for the better. It usually gets worse before it gets better, but if you stand firm you will reap the benefits. 

This blog was a bit all over the place. A tool for me to vent my grievances this week. I thank you for listening. But as you can see I didn't steer off my path and even if it did the benefits would have just been delayed. I'm happy to say I'm feeling better and I've let go of some things this week. =) 

I hope this lifted you, even if only to remind you that you're not alone in what you are going through. Life never gets easier, you get better. Cheers to getting better or more aptly put, cheers to learning to love yourself!!

Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!

 

We already know how it's going to turn out...shitty, but at least it's a shit that we know.

Michelle Dorothea TuckerComment

When people come to me for advice on how to get rid of the pain they usually focus on the other person or external events. I can always tell when someone is in the "the red." That's what I define as complete and utter chaos. I would proceed to ask what is causing their pain and the seeker would talk for about 10 minutes straight about how the other person did this and that. "How could this other person do this to me," he would ask. In this moment the person opposite me, is not present. He is in his own world. He's not aware if I'm even paying attention or if I even understand him. Every sentence is about something external. 

It's extremely important that we always bring the focus back to us. It is never about the other person. Let me repeat that. It is NEVER about the other person. It is ALWAYS about ourselves. I don't care if she cheated, stole, or broke your heart. Your growth concerns you. Why were you attracted to this situation or this person when there were red flags. And yes there are always red flags. Whether or not we were present with open eyes to see them is another story or we chose to make them yellow and proceeded with caution. What is it about us that attracted this energy to us? What is it in us that needs to shift? Why do we run from love and from healthier relationships? And why does it seem like we keep going through the same experiences over and over?

Whatever you have in your life you have attracted. Everything is energy and whatever energy you are, you are attracting. You will keep experiencing the same in your life because that is what you are still. Until you shift and grow you will continue to endure the same events, the same people. We stay in this energy because we don't know any better, or we don't think we deserve better, most likely a combination of both. And even beneath that, it is due to a lack of self love. People think life is miserable because of whatever trauma they are experiencing but what is more miserable than that is not growing and living on repeat. 

When I look back on my entire 20's, every relationship was the same. I thought I was meeting the wrong men. No. I was attracting the same environment that I was familiar with since childhood and that was all I knew. 

What you grow up with, what you are surrounded with as a child that serves as a foundation for what you think is safe. Even if it is turmoil, it is all that you know. So as adults our subconscious does what it thinks is best and that is to keep us in familiar scenarios. After all we already know how everything will turn out...shitty. But at least it's a shit that we know. People will live their whole lives enduring this. They will say that they've led painful lives.

Let me tell you what real pain is. Real pain is not the circumstance. Real pain is not allowing yourself to feel the pain, to let it go, and to grow. That is real pain. Real pain is living day to day with the same bullshit. The same drama, the same unfilled dreams, the same hopelessness and never growing. Having lived a life having never loved yourself enough to know that you are the world, you deserve the world. In a matter of fact the world literally exists within you. That is real pain. Having to wake up and look in the mirror and live with the life that you've chosen to live only to blame it on everyone else having never realized who you really are. Now trust me when I say that most aren't in a space to really acknowledge that they are living a life like this. Though this is what is considered normal. 

The more difficult road is to embrace your pain, to let go, and to move forward.  Why do you think so few do it? Why do you think "the norm," is living a mediocre life? And in this very act of embracing all of you, not just parts of you that are "good," you are loving yourself. You are teaching yourself that emotions are temporary and they will not kill you. Yes, they might hurt like hell but they are not stronger than you and they do not define you. Embrace all of you. Love all of you. Understand all of you. Know all of you. That is loving yourself. And through that you will start to shift. You will start to see the magnificent power that you do have. You will start to see that what you have been taught, the so called, "reality," of this world actually isn't our reality at all. 

Once you allow yourself to embrace pain you will see that there is an abundance of love on the other side. It's because your soul wants you to love and accept all of you. Once you start loving parts of you that you have walked away from all of your life, it's almost as if your soul says thank you by giving you all of this love. It seems like it came from nowhere, like it didn't exist before. But guess what? All this love already exists inside of you. It is you.

You want to know how much you love yourself? Look at what and who surrounds you because that is what you allow and what you have attracted into your life. Look at how you treat your body? Are you in love with your job? Do you embrace the beauty in life? Does it even seem like beauty exists in your life? How lonely do you feel? Are you anxious? I could go on and on but you can see the picture I'm painting.

And I cannot stress enough...If you do not really believe that you deserve the world you will attract that. You can say you love yourself a million times and yes I recommend that because you are still rewiring your brain. But until your subconscious actually shifts, change will not occur. For me, I have not been able to control that. But I am working on that because nothing can tell me that I can't achieve what I am determined to. I've kept on a forward moving path and eventually my internal did shift. 

So what do you do? Keep moving forward, keep growing, keep searching, and keep your moments of stillness. I promise you, a shift will occur and when it does you will see, your external will follow. Self love is the answer and will always be the answer to everything and anything. With every action you are either loving yourself or you are not. And when you love yourself there is an overwhelming urge to share that love with others. You realize how beautiful life can be and you want others to feel that to. I'd also like to mention when you start realizing how powerful you are and what you are capable of. You want to share that with others as well. You want to lift them up to.

Why do you think I have this blog? It's one of the many things I do weekly to show myself love. And to lift all of you.

This will sum up all my words. When you see the love in yourself you will see it in all things. And notice I said ALL things. Just like our goal is to love ALL of ourselves.That is fucking #TRUTH.

Love yourself today. You deserve the world. You are the world. Sending you all, all the love and light in the universe!!!